Friday, September 26, 2014

Love...What if it's hard?

So much can change in a week... Some would disagree with this statement, but I have found that so much can change in one day with just one decision. Every day the decisions we make impact and move us closer and closer to who we will become. It is simply a mater of whether we are making a concious decision to become who we are becoming or whether we are simply just going about our days and lives without realizing who we are becoming. In this journey of either intentionality or passivity one of the many decisions we make everyday is about love. What does love look like? Who are we to love? Why do we love? What about when it's hard or we've been hurt what does love look like then? Or what about if we didn't even do anything but somehow there is conflict? How do we respond then? What does it look like if we disagree with the life decisions that someone is making? What should love look like then? Unfortunately we often find ourselves in this limbo of trying to navigate and figure out what love looks like in these tough circumstances. We live in a world full of conflict and one that says that once someone has hurt you write them off and move on. Or worse yet that when there is conflict you respond in a tailspin of reactions and ride the waves of whatever emotion you have that day. Love, however, is a choice. It's a choice to love no matter feelings or conflict. [Now this is not to say that you stay in unsafe, detrimental situations because this is certainly not the case. What I'm talking about here is conflicts that don't include abuse.] Love loves on good days & on bad days in spite of flaws and hurt feelings or perfect days or qualities. The perfect example of love we see in Christ.
 "Out of Hiding" by Steffany Gretzinger is such a powerful song about this.
Come out of hiding you're safe here with me
No need to cover what I already see
You've got your reasons but I hold your peace
You've been on lock down but I hold the key

And I loved you before you knew what was love
And I saw it all still I choose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking off
When I rose from the grave
Now read of the shackles, my victory's yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You're not far from home

I'll be the lighthouse when you're lost at sea
And I will illuminate everything
No need to be frightened by intimacy
Just throw off your fear and come running to me
Oh

And Oh as you run what hindered love
Will only become part of the story

Baby you're almost home now
Please don't quit now
He saw it all but he still chose the cross. I'm so thankful that in our shortcomings and imperfections that Christ already saw- He knew everything that I have done and will do- and He still chose to die on that cross and pay for it. It's only thru experiencing Christ that we know what true love is. It is thru him that love is perfect. So what does love look like in the hard circumstances? Well to know that you have to look at the situation thru the lense of Christ's love- you have to know that you are loved more than you could ever know and that changes things. It doesn't mean that things don't hurt or that what happens is just suddenly ok, but it does mean that we can forgive and love in circumstances because God is bigger than the situation. It means that when I find my identity and love in Christ that He is the one I run to with those situations and He is the one who works and heals my heart. He actively works in my life enabling me to forgive and to love in situations that would otherwise be hopeless. It doesn't mean that it magically happens. It means that when I feel hurt or bitterness start to creep into my heart about a situation again I stop and call it out, take it to Christ, and make the intentional decision again that I have and am choosing to forgive and love. There are days that it is easy and there are days that it's hard because all these thoughts flood my mind of it not being fair, how much it hurts, what should've or could've been done, the disappointment, etc. But it is in that moment that I choose either intentionally to call it for what it is and take it to Christ or I passively let it creep in until it becomes a part of who I am without even realizing it. It doesn't mean that I'm not looking at reality or not dealing with what has happened it means simply that I've been intentionally choosing who I'm going to be and bitterness, hate, and hurt are not a part of that. Plus God is bigger than whatever happens. His victory is ours! If we are in Christ, we have a choice. We don't have to live by the waves of emotions or live by circumstances any longer. Plus the best part is all those circumstances (what hindered love) just becomes part of the testimony of what God is doing in your life (becomes part of the story). So when it's hard to love and in situations you take the lense of Christ's love and how He lived that out (which we know because it is recorded in scripture) and look thru that to see. We live in a fallen world where we all make decisions that we aren't proud of, hurt people, and sometimes end up where we never thought we would go. But the good news is that's the before... before Christ that's what our life is, BUT with Christ we have the choice to live in a different way. It doesn't mean we sit and judge but what if instead of looking at people's reactions and reacting or writing them off we took a step back and looked at what was really going on in that person's life and showed grace and love? How would that change our relationships? Our world? Sometimes you'll get push back because people are used to the world's reaction and don't understand why you would show grace and love when no one else will or they don't deserve it. That's the beauty of the cross and being able to share that with others. But how can we do this if we aren't in communication with the one who is love or if we don't know how Christ showed love or we haven't experienced Christ's love for ourselves where it has become real in our life? That's why it's so important to know the word because it's a major way that God speaks and transforms us. But how can we know the word or be transformed if we aren't in it- reading it, studying it, interacting with it & others to apply it to our life and allow it to change us. How can we show love to others if we are at home in bed and don't even show up? We have to be present and intentional even when you don't feel like it or want to. We have to be people that are in the word and pray even when it's hard until it becomes a part of who we are. It all comes down to a choice, everyday. Are you intentionally becoming who you want to become or are you passively becoming someone who when you get there you'll be surprised. You are becoming more and more everyday who you will be. Will you be one who gathers or one who scatters? One who is intentional or one who is passive? May we not be a people that when we look back over our life we see the times of conflict and hurt as we bitterly think in our heart and end up somewhere we are surprised to be and don't know how we got here. My prayer is that we intentionally choose love and forgiveness even when it's hard and we intentionally choose who we become so that when we get there is much rejoicing and storytelling of how God is faithful and carried us thru it all. That we are where we are despite the hurt and all the bad that tried to stop us because God took it and used it.

"He who is not with me is against me; and he who does not gather with me scatters."
Matthew 12:30

"We love because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19

"Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned grey, I will take care of you. I made you & I will take care of you. I will carry you & I will save you."
Isaiah 46:4

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Chains

So I'm sitting here in the Brentwood Starbucks reading and writing on N.T. Wright's Surprised by Hope for one of my classes, while in my normal pattern I distractedly look around to observe all those who are in Starbucks currently. After observing the various meetings and coffee dates taking place a little boy catches my eye. He is enjoying a piece of what appears to be lemon pound cake while intently looking at his grandmother, who is currently on her cell phone. They talk back and forth for a while during which he intently looks at her. You can see the admiration and love in his eyes as he looks at her. She clearly has a large impact on his life. Now before you call me creepy and weird hear me out. It suddenly struck me how many different opinions and things that this young boy will be taught, if it hasn't already started, that he should or shouldn't do, what makes him a good or bad person, or a good or bad Christian. We are all taught chains from a very young age. Now I don't mean literal chains, but rather chains as in expectations and the dos and don'ts that we should live by for a given result. We are all taught or we quickly learn that for people to like you certain behaviors are ok while others are not. Unfortunately, the church also has a list of dos and don'ts that make you a good or bad Christian. You must have a quiet time everyday and you should "want" to read your Bible and pray, which don't get me wrong are great things, but can be chains if they become the meter by which we measure and judge ourselves by. It's very easy to slip into the (legalistic) thinking that God is pleased and close when I read my Bible a lot, but if I miss a day or heaven forbid a week then God is displeased with me and far away. God is pleased with me only if I am serving. . . or have the right attitude. . . or give a lot in the offering plate. . . These along with so many others are chains that we have put on ourselves. These along with all the chains the world tries to put on us keep us from the freedom and abundant life that God calls us to. As Romans 8:1 says "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." You see we are no longer condemned when we are in Christ, but rather we experience freedom. Just as 2 Corinthians 3:17 tells us that "Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom." Freedom. Freedom as in there are no chains. Freedom in that we get to have abundant life in Christ. Freedom in that we don't live by what the world says about us but that we are free to live in who God created us to be. Freedom in that we can move and serve and love in the way that he leads us. There is not one 4x4 box that says Christian that we all have to fit into. God created us all differently and that's ok, it's actually good... very good as God says in Genesis. However, we often pick back up those chains that Christ freed from, and then when we're tired and look at God saying we can't do it anymore He lovingly looks at us and says why are you holding on to those chains that I already freed you from. It's as if a bird that was set free and could experience the world flew back into the cage, closed the door, and then was sad that it was inside the cage when it put itself there. No one is stopping us from the abundant life that God has for us and calls us to, but often we stop ourselves- whether because of previous hurts or being scared to go outside our comfort zone of a 4x4 box. So as I sat here in Starbucks reflecting on this thought while watching this young boy, and my prayer is that he knows God. That God makes his presence and his love so real in this young boys life that he doesn't live in the chains people try to put on him, but that he can live in the freedom and abundant life of Christ. This is my prayer for us all. That we may be a people who are transformed by Christ and know his love and freedom in a real way in our lives. That we don't put our chains back on that Christ frees us from, but that we walk in His love. . . Free. . .

"The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy, BUT I have come that they may have LIFE and have it ABUNDANTLY."
-John 10:10

"Now the Lord is Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty."
-2 Corinthians 3:17


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

My life lately

Life over the past three years has been interesting to say the least. It's held challenges I never saw coming, experiences I wouldn't trade for the world, and transformation in ways I never thought possible. God has taught me so much in the last three years of ups and downs, and He has revealed Himself to me in so many new ways. You never know if you truly believe what you believe until it's tested in a way that you're either all in and cling to it or you walk away. Well the last two years especially have been that for me, and I can say that God has shown up in ways I never could have imagined. From providing for school to placing certain people in my life and so much more. God is so good- and it's not just something that is said anymore but rather it has real personal meaning and experience to it. Needless to say after struggling through things for a while I was tired and worn out. I don't know how many times one person can tell God that they just want to move on and need a break from life, but how ever many times its possible I said it. I had come to peace with the situation and was ready to file it away in the cabinet of things that have happened, but it wasn't over yet (I don't know that it will ever be). And I was tired of having the same conversations over and over again and dealing with the same situations over and over. I was frustrated with why it wasn't over yet, and was tired of everyone chiming in with how I should or shouldn't handle the situation. So God presented that escape/break for me last summer through the opportunity to work Centrifuge, for those of you who've ever worked or been to Fuge you're probably laughing at the thought of it being a break but it was exactly what I needed. God showed up and taught me so much throughout the summer as I was able to pour into students and grow in community with the other staffers. God really taught me a lot about his grace that summer and what it really looks like in my everyday life and interaction with others. I remember there being a time where I would react to things people did and be judgmental, but sometime in the last three years to last summer God changed that. The fact is life happens and people make mistakes- that doesn't make them ok, justified, or right- it makes them human in need of God's love and grace just like me. Things happen that you never thought would happen, you get hurt in ways you didn't know were possible, but God is bigger than all of that. God is bigger than the circumstances. God is bigger than the hurt. It's not about me, what I want, how I feel, but rather its about what God is doing and how he sees that person. God has really changed my perspective from reacting to a person's outside actions to show grace and see what issue is really going on. It doesn't mean that my feelings aren't valid or that the hurt isn't real or that what they did was ok. It simply means that God is bigger than that. So anyway after the summer this school year started- my senior year only I won't be graduating because I have classes I will never use to finish before I can student teach making me a fifth year senior next year when I will graduate. As you can tell I had the best attitude about my classes this year, not- well except for my education class that I loved. My attitude, for the lack of a better word, sucked. I didn't want to do the work because I was frustrated that I wouldn't use the information and didn't understand it. And trust me everyone that knew me was aware of the classes that I didn't like and how I was never going to use them to teach middle school math. Now don't get me wrong I also had an education class and teaching placement that I loved, and it was extremely beneficial but as far as the rest of my classes I had the worst attitude. I got in the rut of complaining about these classes, and I didn't realize how much my attitude about those classes was affecting my life- plus it didn't help I was back in the world of dealing with the same things I wanted to be done with over and over. Finally towards the end of the semester I realized how much I had let my focus get off course. Like Peter, when he sunk when looking at the storm instead of Jesus when walking on the water, I had taken my eyes off Jesus and focused on my day to day circumstances and used the it has to get done excuse to justify the craziness that was going on in my life. I began to pray that God would refocus me and that He would reveal Himself to me in a new way. That He would be the center of my focus and all that I wanted- because in all honesty at that point He wasn't. So it happened that I found out about a mission trip going to San Francisco over winter break through school, and I knew the leader of the trip. I met with her and after talking with her numerous times and probably driving her nuts with I just don't know if I can come up with the money; I reluctantly signed up for the trip. I sent out letters and emails to people to raise the money for the trip- which by the way did I mention was only two weeks away at this point. God completely came through and provided the money for the trip through friends, teachers, and people I didn't even know. Little did I know that God was about to show up in a HUGE way in my life on the first night of the trip. The whole time preparing for the trip and working with those in the tenderloin district in San Francisco, God kept bringing to mind the song by Chris Tomlin- God of this City. God really for some reason pressed in my heart the potential/expectation of what God can and will do in San Francisco. So we get there the first night- we immediately go serve dinner at the mission and go on a prayer walk. After this we go on the roof of SF City Impact, my favorite place by the way, and are simply praying for the week when all of a sudden this intern that I didn't know and had barely said hi to turned to me and told me everything that I was waiting on God for. I had always heard stories of when God told someone something through a random stranger, which was always so awesome, but I had never experienced it until San Francisco. God not only spoke what I had been waiting on but also truth that I had never experience before. See this was the first night I had been out of my situations and normal element for God to really speak to me in a long time. It was the beginning of what has been God teaching me more and more about his love and drawing me into a deeper relationship with him. That week in San Francisco and the weeks after it were filled with God pouring out his love on me- it didn't matter that my attitude sucked or that I hadn't done what I should have, God's love for me never changed. I had been operating out of an idea- of God is pleased with me only if I have a right attitude or do the right things that bring glory to Him- without even realizing it. It was so freeing to realize and experience the freedom of Christ in God's love. San Francisco was a major time of renewing that I needed, and it was a major perspective change for me. After San Francisco I really felt like God was telling me I needed to take a step back, cut some things out, and make more room for him. Now this wasn't a very popular idea with several people when I stepped out of some leadership roles, but I was going to go where God was leading me, popular or not. After some class scheduling issues I ended up needing one random class to be full time so I ended up in disciplines of christian living- which was completely God orchestrated. You see God was teaching me about rest, quiet, and an intimate relationship with Him, and in this class we talk about different spiritual disciplines such as breath prayer, centering prayer, and meditative reading of scripture that deepen our relationship with God. So as God was drawing me to a new level with Him, He was actually presenting me with different opportunities and ways to try doing this. It's truly incredible to see how what I thought was random and chaotically thrown together was actually God's perfect timing. God is still teaching me a lot about freedom, abundant life in him, and what a relationship with him daily in full trust looks like. I can't wait to see where it will all lead and what He is going to do. There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now, but I feel a peace knowing that God is up to something and He is doing something big in my life. God has truly transformed my life in the past three years and he is still continuing to do that. I am so thankful and can't wait to see what he has in store. Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!!!

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
                   -Psalm 37:4
"I have come that you may have life and have it to the full (abundantly)."
                   -John 10:10