Life over the past three years has been interesting to say the least. It's held challenges I never saw coming, experiences I wouldn't trade for the world, and transformation in ways I never thought possible. God has taught me so much in the last three years of ups and downs, and He has revealed Himself to me in so many new ways. You never know if you truly believe what you believe until it's tested in a way that you're either all in and cling to it or you walk away. Well the last two years especially have been that for me, and I can say that God has shown up in ways I never could have imagined. From providing for school to placing certain people in my life and so much more. God is so good- and it's not just something that is said anymore but rather it has real personal meaning and experience to it. Needless to say after struggling through things for a while I was tired and worn out. I don't know how many times one person can tell God that they just want to move on and need a break from life, but how ever many times its possible I said it. I had come to peace with the situation and was ready to file it away in the cabinet of things that have happened, but it wasn't over yet (I don't know that it will ever be). And I was tired of having the same conversations over and over again and dealing with the same situations over and over. I was frustrated with why it wasn't over yet, and was tired of everyone chiming in with how I should or shouldn't handle the situation. So God presented that escape/break for me last summer through the opportunity to work Centrifuge, for those of you who've ever worked or been to Fuge you're probably laughing at the thought of it being a break but it was exactly what I needed. God showed up and taught me so much throughout the summer as I was able to pour into students and grow in community with the other staffers. God really taught me a lot about his grace that summer and what it really looks like in my everyday life and interaction with others. I remember there being a time where I would react to things people did and be judgmental, but sometime in the last three years to last summer God changed that. The fact is life happens and people make mistakes- that doesn't make them ok, justified, or right- it makes them human in need of God's love and grace just like me. Things happen that you never thought would happen, you get hurt in ways you didn't know were possible, but God is bigger than all of that. God is bigger than the circumstances. God is bigger than the hurt. It's not about me, what I want, how I feel, but rather its about what God is doing and how he sees that person. God has really changed my perspective from reacting to a person's outside actions to show grace and see what issue is really going on. It doesn't mean that my feelings aren't valid or that the hurt isn't real or that what they did was ok. It simply means that God is bigger than that. So anyway after the summer this school year started- my senior year only I won't be graduating because I have classes I will never use to finish before I can student teach making me a fifth year senior next year when I will graduate. As you can tell I had the best attitude about my classes this year, not- well except for my education class that I loved. My attitude, for the lack of a better word, sucked. I didn't want to do the work because I was frustrated that I wouldn't use the information and didn't understand it. And trust me everyone that knew me was aware of the classes that I didn't like and how I was never going to use them to teach middle school math. Now don't get me wrong I also had an education class and teaching placement that I loved, and it was extremely beneficial but as far as the rest of my classes I had the worst attitude. I got in the rut of complaining about these classes, and I didn't realize how much my attitude about those classes was affecting my life- plus it didn't help I was back in the world of dealing with the same things I wanted to be done with over and over. Finally towards the end of the semester I realized how much I had let my focus get off course. Like Peter, when he sunk when looking at the storm instead of Jesus when walking on the water, I had taken my eyes off Jesus and focused on my day to day circumstances and used the it has to get done excuse to justify the craziness that was going on in my life. I began to pray that God would refocus me and that He would reveal Himself to me in a new way. That He would be the center of my focus and all that I wanted- because in all honesty at that point He wasn't. So it happened that I found out about a mission trip going to San Francisco over winter break through school, and I knew the leader of the trip. I met with her and after talking with her numerous times and probably driving her nuts with I just don't know if I can come up with the money; I reluctantly signed up for the trip. I sent out letters and emails to people to raise the money for the trip- which by the way did I mention was only two weeks away at this point. God completely came through and provided the money for the trip through friends, teachers, and people I didn't even know. Little did I know that God was about to show up in a HUGE way in my life on the first night of the trip. The whole time preparing for the trip and working with those in the tenderloin district in San Francisco, God kept bringing to mind the song by Chris Tomlin- God of this City. God really for some reason pressed in my heart the potential/expectation of what God can and will do in San Francisco. So we get there the first night- we immediately go serve dinner at the mission and go on a prayer walk. After this we go on the roof of SF City Impact, my favorite place by the way, and are simply praying for the week when all of a sudden this intern that I didn't know and had barely said hi to turned to me and told me everything that I was waiting on God for. I had always heard stories of when God told someone something through a random stranger, which was always so awesome, but I had never experienced it until San Francisco. God not only spoke what I had been waiting on but also truth that I had never experience before. See this was the first night I had been out of my situations and normal element for God to really speak to me in a long time. It was the beginning of what has been God teaching me more and more about his love and drawing me into a deeper relationship with him. That week in San Francisco and the weeks after it were filled with God pouring out his love on me- it didn't matter that my attitude sucked or that I hadn't done what I should have, God's love for me never changed. I had been operating out of an idea- of God is pleased with me only if I have a right attitude or do the right things that bring glory to Him- without even realizing it. It was so freeing to realize and experience the freedom of Christ in God's love. San Francisco was a major time of renewing that I needed, and it was a major perspective change for me. After San Francisco I really felt like God was telling me I needed to take a step back, cut some things out, and make more room for him. Now this wasn't a very popular idea with several people when I stepped out of some leadership roles, but I was going to go where God was leading me, popular or not. After some class scheduling issues I ended up needing one random class to be full time so I ended up in disciplines of christian living- which was completely God orchestrated. You see God was teaching me about rest, quiet, and an intimate relationship with Him, and in this class we talk about different spiritual disciplines such as breath prayer, centering prayer, and meditative reading of scripture that deepen our relationship with God. So as God was drawing me to a new level with Him, He was actually presenting me with different opportunities and ways to try doing this. It's truly incredible to see how what I thought was random and chaotically thrown together was actually God's perfect timing. God is still teaching me a lot about freedom, abundant life in him, and what a relationship with him daily in full trust looks like. I can't wait to see where it will all lead and what He is going to do. There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now, but I feel a peace knowing that God is up to something and He is doing something big in my life. God has truly transformed my life in the past three years and he is still continuing to do that. I am so thankful and can't wait to see what he has in store. Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!!!
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
-Psalm 37:4
"I have come that you may have life and have it to the full (abundantly)."
-John 10:10
